Ta da! Big project done!
…Why do I feel so awful?

Facebook Banned My Livestreams 🤦‍♀️

Last week's vacation was literally a breath of fresh air. We visited a part of Canada we'd never been to before that was warm, inviting, fascinating, and filled with vibrancy. The people. Gahhhhh. SO HAPPY!!!! It was such an inspiration. Things are a little slower there. The food, the wine, the scenery, culture, people…all just so welcoming and comfortable.

I came back and allowed myself to ease back into my world. At least, that was the intention.

I'm scrolling Facebook. I notice that a "friend's" page was hacked (I don't know this person in the 3D, so that's why I used quotation marks)…I report it, and then Meta AI tells me that in order for my friend to regain control of her page, she needs to go to a certain Facebook URL.

Being the good citizen I always pledge to be, I share the URL on her wall.

SLAM.

I get a notice that I violated some community rule and cannot livestream until October 5th.

I stay calm. Go back into Meta and kindly explain the situation. Nope. I'm shut down. My appeal is turned down. I am so confused. WHY????

Ok. I can handle this. I breathe. Decide, "Hey, instead of an obstacle, let's turn this into an opportunity!" (I'm SO wise sometimes!!! 🤣🤣🤣)

I will let everyone know…somehow…and I'll livestream on Patreon. There's a free version, NO STRESS! 😎

I keep hearing that phrase my sister uses: "The body keeps score…"

I wake up in the middle of the night to excruciating pain. It's so bad, I know I'm about to cry and don't want to wake up Gianni. So, I decide to move myself to the guest room to spend the rest of the night…Only I can't get out of bed.

My back is out.

It's so bad I'm nauseous. I don't want to wake him, so I turn my head into the pillow and allow it to swallow my sobs.

When he wakes up, he's so upset that I suffered alone and didn't wake him. I spend the rest of the day on ice or a heating pad. I slather on a layer of Magnesium Cream with Arnica and other magic ingredients. He sprays me down with Biofreeze. I take two Extra-Strength Tylenol and thankfully fall into a near coma-like sleep.

The next day, I can get out of bed. Pain is minimal.

Thank God!

Pain can certainly make everything else appear blurry. I'm so thankful for my coach. ❤️

It's amazing how we can be so wise for others but be so shortsighted for ourselves. It makes me even more thankful for my coach.

I'll be honest. I entered the Zoom call for our coaching session less than exuberant. I was still in some pain. This exacerbated the whole Facebook situation. I dove right into my old fallback of self-judgment, reassessing me, my life, my career—and painted my whole life with one big black stroke of negativity.

Mike was so calm. He didn't judge. He listened. He reaffirmed that he goes through the same self-doubt too. It was so comforting to feel less alone in that moment.

We talked about Facebook. We discussed strategies. He let me know he and his family are moving in the next few weeks. We set up some goals. We will meet again in a month.

So how come I feel so awful?

One of the things Mike and I talked about was how much he loved the new tune "Another Morning" and how he felt this was a really strong direction for me, both as a songwriter and an artist. We decided I should lean into this genre and come up with three songs that would work well with it, and then prep them for presentation to Sync Agencies and Publishing Companies.

He steered me towards another publishing company he likes a lot…and of course, because it's me, I went down the Rabbit Hole.

I researched and found two other agencies I wanted to submit to. I read their requirements and made myself a prep list: Mastered Song — Check! TV Mix (song without lead vocals but still has background vocals) — Check! Instrumental Version — Check! Stems…huh?

I will try to explain without making your head spin: Stems are individual audio files created by grouping (or "sub-mixing") similar tracks from a full song—such as keeping all drums on one stem, bass on another, lead vocals on a third, background instruments on a fourth…etc.

Ok. Stems were going to take a little work. Lead Sheet — AKA sheet music for the song. Metadata that is accurate. (Metadata: embedded information and structured data attached to an audio file that details its ownership, creative credits, identifiers, and technical characteristics.)

I brought up the recording session for "Another Morning." I wasted time searching YouTube to see if there was an easy and quick way to create stems.

I should know by now: the easy/quick way is NEVER easy or quick...but I got them done and exported.

Phew.

I then meticulously corrected all of the metadata for all the versions of the song. And then I dug into the Lead Sheet. I already have a program that does this. I "just" need to export the main piano part and import it into the program, type some lyrics and chords…right?

Nope. Of course not.

I won't put you through the gajillion hoops I had to jump through to create the damn lead sheet.

Note to self: Next time, how about handwritten?

Nah….I have to have everything look PROFESSIONAL. (please save me from me 😣)

I spent the entire day on this one song. And when it was done, I did not feel accomplished. I was pissed. My back hurt again. I was grumpy. My neck hurt.

All this work. It's done. Yay me…only I couldn't get there. 💔

All this work. Feeling no sense of accomplishment. Something has to give.

Are you noticing a pattern? Because I am.

And I will preface this by saying that, after coming back from a truly lovely vacation, I erased all the promises I had made to myself: to pace myself. To allow room to just be. To take time off rather than grind continuously.

What is the deal with me?

I guess…I am human after all.

I have big expectations of myself. I hate admitting this, but I do not have the ability to go all day without a break anymore and not pay the consequences. And in retrospect, maybe I never did, but I was too stubborn to really take accountability for how I treated myself.

So.

I decided: no more grinding endlessly, even if there's a self-imposed deadline. I am allowed to be a person in the world who does nothing sometimes. I'm allowed to have FUN (remember fun???) and not work twice as hard the next day. I'm allowed to not be uber-successful—whatever that even means at this point.

What I clarified for myself is that I value kindness over success. I value ethics over money. I value love over power.

So yeah, maybe I will never ever achieve that picture that I created in my mind so many decades ago. And believe me, it can be really hard when you continually compare yourself to a picture that was created by A CHILD who was a ridiculous optimist.

Sigh.

I also decided that it is ok to keep the recaps a lot simpler. Pictures are pretty. My sanity matters more. Percentages look kinda cool...but I really need to stop focusing on numbers...